Thursday, March 28, 2002

Nuts to them

Warning - the following violates the Geneva Convention, human bodies and generally accepted standards of taste and subject matter.

Thanks to Tim Blair for this
If anyone doubts the ardor of grass-roots support for the anti-American militancy in southern Afghanistan, Kandahar's cemetery for al-Qaeda fighters bears unequivocal testimony. Hundreds of mourners have descended on the graveyard from as far away as Mazar-i-Sharif, Kabul and Uruzgan province. What began as daily homages have grown into all-night vigils. Men, women and children sleep by the graves. Devotees recite the Koran throughout the night. The paralyzed, ill and blind flock to the site seeking miracle cures, which many claim to receive. Men mumble, repeating scripture until they fall into a trance, swaying and convulsing, talking in tongues. "Do not speak English here," says a Talib accompanying a TIME correspondent. "They will kill you the instant they know you are a foreigner. These people are so angry."
Hmm. Maybe we can take advantage of this. After all, there are those who believe that powdered rhino horn or other exotic animal parts will have Viagra-like effects, resulting in near-extinction for the relevant critters. For instance:
In Taiwan, a bowl of tiger penis soup (to boost virility) goes for $320
The people cited in the article already believe that al-Qaeda corpses offer miracle cures, and we sure could use their extinction.

On seeing this, the following swiftly occurred to me. I modestly propose that the bodies of al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Fatah and the other goon squads are a vital source of pharmaceutical products that are no less effective than the rhino horns. If we spread this idea we can spur the Afghan economy while ridding the world of bad elements. 2 out of 3 ain't bad, and we'll never know until we try.

Like begets like, you know. Let's spare the tigers and use these creeps' genitals instead. After all, they supposedly don't like the ladies so much - it's not like they'll miss anything.

And it also makes sense that you capture the life force. Therefore you must be remove them while the "donor" is alive and conscious. It might even be appropriate to cook them in situ.

Of course people in the relevant areas often are very poor. So the harvesting process must not require elaborate instruments or anaesthetics. I would encourage the use of dull instruments and rocks, or perhaps torsion.

Alright, that's excessive enough. But really, I've had enough of these SOBs, and every day I have fewer and fewer qualms about what to do with them and those who harbor them. Maybe Pershing had it right.

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