HOW TO SEX A LIZARD Oh admit it, you've always wanted to know. I don't know that it works with all kinds of lizards, and you're on your own with alligators. But it does work with the little green anoles ("chameleons") that run wild by the gazillions in Florida.

Just put a mirror in front of it. If it's a male, he'll start strutting his stuff. He'll raise his head and his dewlap (think jowls) will stick out and turn bright pink. The females allegedly ignore the mirror, but I haven't witnessed this directly. Anyway, the lizards don't seem to have any problems, and any further interest on my part would be prurient.

As long as we're not talking about certain Olympic swim teams, sexing humans is easier. But we haven't yet figured out a way to tell if someone is homosexual 100% of the time. Allegedly some don't know themselves. So we wind up with things like "don't ask, don't tell".

Gay rights activists are everlastingly pushing for antidiscrimination laws. But how can you discriminate against gays if you can't even know who they are?

Some crude thoughts just slithered through the gutters of my mind. Get thee behind me, Satan, and don't push. Anyway, being clueless really shouldn't be a crime.