Strangest comedian

No doubt there's plenty of competition and I'm probably way behind the times. But it's hard to go wrong with nominees like Emo Phillips and Steven Wright.

Never heard of EP?

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

How about Steven Wright?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Yeah, they're a pair all right. But the Official Comedian for NWA is still...

...oh come on, it's obvious...

...Gallagher!