Monday, August 12, 2002

Road rage

There was a time when I had a fairly hot temper, which is especially bad when you're bigger than most like I am. I'm pretty tame now, but there are still things that can get me going. One of them is the individual I've been calling Ex below, who alone would serve as a justification for mortality. A little fury came in handy in my wrestling days, and working up a lather can help if I'm not doing well in a racquetball tournament. But I'm at my worst behind the wheel.

I drive an SUV, and if you don't like it, my only regret is that I have but one ass to kiss. You roller-skate driving wusses had better get out of my way. And here's a clue - you don't have to pull all the way in to a parking space. Give the rest of us a chance to see your politically correct little deathtrap before we're halfway pulled in behind you.

As for you it necessary to bisect a full-sized parking place so you can't even share it with another motorcycle?

Another hint - either pass me or back off. Don't sit there locking me in a lane unnecessarily - I've seen some of the strangest crap lying in the road and recently lost two tires to something that fell off the back of some Beverly Hillbillies wannabes' trailer. Even if I don't try to dodge, if I blow a tire I might lose control and take us both off the road.

But the worst are deer, which I submit as proof that Satan copulates with rats. One Christmas Eve I was driving a 6 month old car on a stretch of I-74 between the Quad Cities and Galesburg, IL with woods in a deep median strip, a deep dropoff into a field to the right, and a road slick enough to force reduced speeds. Then out of the cover in the median a !!@#$ deer sashays out into the road, straddles the centerline and turns crosswise to the road. Ka-ching! - $4500 worth of work, and endless questions about what happened to the deer. And that's just the one I hit - I've had the stupid things hit me. (But I don't even have the bragging rights in the family, because a relative survived a broadside collision with a horse).

And finally, well, I'm not in the habit of picking on religious people, and I usually take their side. I don't send kids to Sunday school to ask "Can God make a rock so big he can't pick it up?" But I've seen one too many bumper stickers that say "Warning - in case of Rapture this car will be unmanned". If you believe that, shouldn't you be riding the bus?

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